Dear Soda Fountain Lurkers (SFLs)-
Why do you feel it is necessary to stand really close behind me while I fill my drink cup? Do you think that your proximity might alter the mechanical properties of the soda fountain, making it dispense its hydrocarbonated water at an elevated rate? I don’t think it will. Do you think I’m leaving with a half full cup? I’m not. All you’re doing is making it uncomfortable for both of us. You should act as if there is a velvet rope five feet behind the fountain and line up accordingly.
If you do not change your actions with alacrity I will be forced to institute a poor-manners arms race. I will stand right behind you and talk very loudly on my cell phone. About you. Specifically about your poor drink fountain manners. And as that subtle red flush of embarrassment creeps up your neck I will smirk self-satifiedly.
And, as for that odder breed of lurkers, those who after getting their drink stand around and watch me fill mine (after I advance the five feet to the fountain, of course!) I have no idea where to begin! Why are you observing my filling technique? Is it because you think I’m doing it wrong and want to feel better about yourself? If it is, I think you might want to look into some self-affirmation classes. Or, is it because you are insecure in your technique and hope to learn from my graceful arm motions. The secret is the culminating lithe extension of the wrist, depressing the dispensing lever a precise amount!
Thank you for your time,
Eric
